It appears to be an overcast morning in Pittsburgh today, but it’s not clouds that obscures the sun but a thick haze of smoke from many intense Canadian forest fires burning uncontrolled. Peering outside my studio window now I can see that the air is as thick as if there were a back draft from my fireplace chimney.
So, like many other cities and states in the region, there is an air quality alert. Pittsburgh, for the first time in history, has an air quality alert of “purple,” meaning it is dangerous to be outside for everyone, not just those with heart conditions or asthma. The warnings are dire enough to have initiated pool closures and event cancelations.
Most summer mornings I like to take my breakfast out on the screened porch and write in my journal as I watch the birds at the feeder–and also the cats, who watch the birds at the feeder–from our side of the screens.
Today, I will stay inside.
The cats are confused by this change in routine and spent an hour this morning mewing at the back door to tell me it was time to open up and let them out.
They have since found me and my bowl of cottage cheese, of which they hope to partake, upstairs in my office studio, fans and air purifier running on medium high, settling in for a day of writing.
Once I’ve sorted through my thoughts and gotten “right” with myself in a journal entry, the choice becomes whether to write something new, revise a work in progress, or put the finishing edits on a draft I hope to send out into the world.
Choosing to pen something new is always a little exciting but also rife with anxiety. First, there is the little bit of grief that comes from NOT writing whatever I chose not to write. That is, if I decide to write an essay, I won’t get to write a poem or a story (or a blog).
This is true of writing related activities, too.
If I choose to work on an application for a residency, for example, or do a little research, I am forgoing time spent in the throes of creative writing.
There often also comes an overwhelm of ideas when writing something new, which may lead to searching for stray notes left on the backs of envelopes or of figuring out in which of many notebooks a certain idea was jotted down.
I suppose this could be mitigated with the use of my iphone or a note-taking app, but besides just never having picked up such habits (my ingrained habit is to reach for a pencil and some paper), I am hopelessly paranoid about the possibility of others accessing these missives, especially in the age of cloud computing and AI.
Or maybe all that searching is a tactic to further delay the difficult job of getting down to the business of actual writing. Anything is possible.
If, on the other hand, revising a work in progress emerges as the writing activity of the hour there is at least some relief over not having to come up with something brand new to write about, or of having to conquer the blank page or screen under the pressure of an internal perfectionist who likes to stick her nose where it simply does not belong.
At least not until I begin to look over my drafts and discover they aren’t as interesting as I thought they were when in the throes of creatively writing them.
It’s almost as if these writings morph from shiny cut diamonds back into lumps of coal when I’m not looking.
The internal perfectionist loves to take advantage of such moments to tell me I suck at writing, that everything I write sounds just like everything else, and really it would be better to spend my time cleaning the house or paying bills.
I suspect my internal perfectionist is actually lazy and doesn’t want the challenge of re-cutting a diamond in the rough.
Supposing I am able to send my perfectionist packing, which never gets easier no matter how many times I’ve done it in the past, I generally spend a several minutes just opening documents until I find something I can dig into or, if really lucky, something that is closer to being finished that I realized (rare). Only occasionally do I go directly to a specific document to work on as a result of having remembered or thought about it during the day or because I have a deadline to meet.
What’s eternally necessary and important, though, is that writing remains a joy even amid the difficulties. I mean, a bad day writing (even when there is an air quality alert) is still better than a good day at work, right?
Come to think of it, a day of not writing is even better than a good day at work.