NeverNever Holes

We have been together for fifteen years and
Never, never
Have you left a hole in my wall

There’ve been holes in other things
to-do lists, clothes, missed birthdays,
valentines days, anniversaries, sometimes
But never, never
A fist-sized hole in my bedroom wall

Your voice saying
What do you want? I don’t know what you want, I can’t be what you want
Tearing your hair, scratching your arms, punching a
heart-shaped hole in my wall

And I stand there, sobbing
Like the eight-year-old I suddenly am again watching my sister
throw dishes at my mother
I said, I will never, never be like her

And under the thick sounds I am making
Like fifteen holes knocked into fifteen walls
I am saying, I will never, never leave you

And you are saying, I will never change
But
There is a hole in my wall now
An opening that wasn’t there before

And finally I am hearing
Please, please love me for who I am

And so, I say again
Fifteen times

I do, I do, I do
I do, I do, I do
I do,  , I do
I do, I do, I do
I do, I do, I do
—
Karen Bovenmyer holds an MFA in Creative Writing: Popular Fiction from the University of Southern Maine. She teaches and mentors students at Iowa State University.